Dr. Seuss Goes Paleo

I’ve finally found a way to blend my experience as a stay-at-home dad with the nutritional information I’ve gained over the years. I’m working under the assumption that readers are familiar with Green Eggs and Ham. Some of you might get a laugh. If not, I’m hoping the links provided are at least somewhat useful.

I am Sam

.
I am Sam
Sam I am

.
That Sam-I-am
That Sam-I-am!
I do not like
that Sam-I-am

.
Do you like
green eggs and ham

.
Nope – cholesterol,
lots of fat.
I will not eat
crap like that.

.
You don’t know Taubes?
or Atkins?

.
I don’t know Taubes
Nor Atkins.
But Ancil says those
foods are sins
I do not like
green eggs and ham.
I do not like them,
Sam-I-am

.
You haven’t read the
works of Cordain?
Let me guess – you
still eat grains.

.
I haven’t heard of
this Cordain.
And yes I’ll have my
heart healthy grains.
I would like to live
past age eighty.
and even Whole9 folk
say that pig meat’s shady.
I do not like green eggs and ham.
I do not like them, Sam-I-am.

.
William Davis? Mark Sisson?
Won’t you please try and listen?

.
No whole wheat!?!?
Eat grass-fed meat?!?!
Wouldn’t I
be an ass?
When I myself
can feed on grass?
Much of what you say I think’s a crock
And who the hell names their kid, “Grok?”
I would not eat green eggs and ham.
I do not like them, Sam-I-am.

.
Would you? Could you?
Have some jerky?
Beef and bison
And we’ve got turkey!

.
I would not ,
could not,
eat that jerky.
.

You may like them.
If I make a case.
Of eating things
that had a face

.
I would not, could not eat such fare.
When I have my soy here and there.
.
Eat eggs – a big part of your tune
Even Robb says no, if auto-immune
I know the protein from that ham
Will give me cancer, Sam-I-am
You see, carnivorous buddy
I’m familiar with the China Study
So I can say without doubt,
I know which foods I’ll do without

.
Minger, Masterjohn
Loren Cordain
Have refuted that ‘study’
Again and Again.

.
Even if so, I won’t cause harm
Will not support factory farms
Where animals are mistreated
Chickens so fat, can’t be unseated
Cows fed things they weren’t meant to eat
Then kept alive with pharma ‘treats’
I will not eat that kind of fare.
I will not eat it anywhere.
I do not like them Sam-I-am

.
What?!?
Don’t you know?
Polyface farms!!
Clean meat, free-range, just ask Joe!

.
I would not, could not,
Eat any meat.

.
Look here, look here!
I have bacon!

.
I’m trying not to eat bacon,
But on this, my resolve is shaken
ever since Mat Lalonde
Said that bacon is the bomb!
I am trying to make sense
Is it really so nutrient dense?
But I can’t eat that, can’t you see?
My vegan friends – they would shun me!

.
You do not like
green eggs and ham?

.
I do not
like them,
Sam-I-am.

.
Could you, would you,
eat a goat?

.
I would not,
could not.
eat a goat!

.
So you don’t like
eating paelo?

.
I would not, could not eat a goat
I don’t know about paleo
Maybe I like feeling half alive
On a diet where it’s hard to thrive
Perhaps I don’t like gelatin
or having healthy hair and skin
Maybe I like eating tons of soy
Being less a man and more a boy
And perhaps I’ll limit my gains
Believe I can use protein from grains
If I can’t lift heavy I’ll go home
And enjoy leaky gut syndrome

.
I do not like
green eggs
and ham!
I do not like them,
Sam-I-am.

.
You do not like them.
SO you say.

.
I’ll let it rest,
Talk another day.

Maybe then you will change your way.

.
Sam!
All those links have made me think
That my diet
sure does stink

.
Say!
I am off the vegan rhetoric
And am no longer diabetic!
And maybe this thing called paleo
Is a viable way to go!
But I will do the rules loosely
Perhaps some butter in my coffee?
And if there is no bloating
Some ice cream – for carb backloading!

So I will eat some grass-fed meat
And a few nuts, just as a treat
And I will eat some wild caught fish
And a little fruit, a side dish.
And I will eat some free range birds.
Post workout spuds are good, I’ve heard
.
I do so like
green eggs and ham!
Thank you!
Thank you,
Sam-I-am

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