How Do You Like Your Bacon?

This article comes with the huge caveat that, if you’re looking for some good information about exercise, nutrition,  health or anything remotely serious, then you might as well stop reading right about now. This isn’t the article you’re looking for.

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How Do You Like Your Bacon?

Bacon, Dating and Aliens

 by Ryan Atkins

January 2013

Some pretty cool things happened over the holiday season. First off, I gave myself permission to take some time off from the gym, am learning to say ‘no’ and ended up not scheduling workouts for either Christmas or New Year’s Eve. I’m starting to realize that NOT showing up at the gym seven days a week can be a good thing. It allows you to recharge and come back re-energized for your clients. That being said, when enough of my clients requested via Facebook for someone to open up the doors for workouts, I reneged on this commitment and came in anyway. I’m not surprised – my clients are like family to me (my ex-wife would argue that they’re more than family to me, but that’s the subject of another article, or, dare I say, book). Now the upside to all of this is that rumor started going around that if you want the owner of your gym to go out of the way for you, bacon makes excellent compensation for his time. On two occasions, clients brought packages of bacon for me in return for my extra invested time (don’t tell them this but I didn’t really mind opening up for them – I’m stoked they’re dedicated enough to want to work out on days most consider holidays. And I wouldn’t want to stop the flow of bacon).

Now on both of these times I was spending time at with my kids at my folks’ house, celebrating the holidays. Upon my return from the gym I tossed the packages on the counter and exclaimed, “Look, bacon!” hoping that, in some small way, this would help to excuse my absence from them during the period I had driven to the gym and back. We quickly incorporated the bacon into whatever else was being prepared at that time.

I learned an important lesson that day. To truly fully enjoy your bacon experience, you need to cook it yourself, or have someone else you trust cook it to your taste. My mom, God bless her soul, likes crunchy bacon. I’m guessing she’s not aware of the harmful effects that overcooking one’s meat can produce. I, on the other hand, prefer chewy bacon. I’m also pretty sure that she’s not used to dealing with premium, healthier versions of bacon that my nutritionally astute clients had brought me – stuff that’s not likely found in the aisles of a Pic N’ Save. Now I don’t know if the healthier varieties cook differently, but my mother (I did say God bless her soul, didn’t I?) managed to burn both of the batches. Despite being overdone, the bacon still tasted pretty amazing though. Bacon is bacon after all.

I was out on a date recetnly and the subject of bacon came up. The person I was with expressed how she liked chewy bacon. Needless to say, the date went smoothly from there on out. It was shortly afterward that the thought occurred to me. Potential daters waste a HUGE amount of time dancing around a slew of issues. Usually these issues each involve their own line of questioning. Imagine how many hours of excessive websurfing on dating sites, texting, chatting and time spent on dates can be saved by cutting to the heart of the matter. Ask the person you’re interested in, ‘How do you like your bacon?’

 Let me explain the beauty and efficiency in this wonderful inquisitive and how it really is about 5 or 6 questions wrapped (mmmm, like wrapped in bacon) in one:

1. You establish the fact that the person you’re dating eats bacon or not.

2. If they do, you find out if you have a personality match – do they like their bacon the same way you do?

3. If they don’t like bacon, they either have serious mental issues or are likely an alien masquerading as human. Either way, it’s a serious red flag in my book and, probably a deal breaker – more so in the case of the former than the latter.

4. If you ignore for a second the implications of someone being a non-bacon eater, the conversation could potentially lead towards whether they AT LEAST eat other types of meat. I GUESS someone who doesn’t eat bacon, but at least consumes other types of meat, MIGHT be acceptable, but you’d have to pretty desperate. Someone eschewing all forms of meat, in my mind, hasn’t studied the social, ethical and economic underpinnings enough to fully understand the negative ramifications of their choice. And they probably lack taste buds. I know this may sound harsh, but we need to have standards here.

5. Depending on how the person reacts to the potential underpinnings of the question, you get to find out more about them. For some weirdos, bacon is construed only as a breakfast food. Ignoring the weirdo factor for a second, if the person you’re talking to reacts by saying, ‘I love bacon, how about I make you some tomorrow morning after we wake up?’, you’ve gathered a good amount of information about who you’re talking with. If that’s the type of relationship you’re looking for, you will likely get to enjoy your self-gratuitous activity. And then, once the bacon is gone, maybe the two of you will enjoy sex as well. On the other hand, said person may respond, ‘Are you trying to use bacon to lure me into sleeping with you tonight?. I’m sorry, but I’m not that kind of a person, even if it involves bacon.’ If your goal is for long term dating, this might be the more preferable response.

So the next time you’re on a date, forget all of the ‘what’s your sign?,’ ‘what do you do for fun?’ and ‘where do you want to be in five years?’ interrogation tactics. Instead (and preferably before even dating) simply ask them, ‘How do you like your bacon?’ It might not be a guarantee of finding Mr. or Mrs. Right. But it will save you a ton of time weeding out all of the Mr. and Mrs. Wrongs.

It’s hard to have all of this bacon talk without thinking of comedian Jim Gaffigan. In one of his routines he talks about the magic power of sprinkling bacon bits on otherwise dull food to make it massively more appealing. I don’t suggest trying this with your date. If physical attractiveness isn’t their strong suit, I doubt throwing bacon bits at them will change things, or be taken as a form of flattery for that matter (especially if they are a Gaffigan fan and deduce the meaning of the action). More importantly, you will be wasting bacon. Gaffigan would not approve.

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